My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
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