Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Drunk is not a location!
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
