I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
