I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
the liver wants what the liver wants
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
