I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Randomize
