oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
