My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
