Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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