I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
