dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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