Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
