def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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