There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
