mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
