i dont even know how to be here
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I think I sprained my soul last night
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
