i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
