I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
