I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
