we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
he told me I talked like a deaf person
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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