I accidentally burped into my bong.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
