there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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