I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
