Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
