Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
