i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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