I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
