Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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