I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
