I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
