waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
The Olympian is in my bed
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
