I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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