I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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