I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
