My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
PS: I just woke up from my shower
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
this is an emotional support booty call
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
