I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
