WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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