Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
