How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
