New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
