Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
