Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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