the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
