you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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