i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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