What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
When did angry sex become our thing?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
