yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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