o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
