I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
It was a blind-side dick pic.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
