all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
PANTIES FOUND
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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