note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
